12 Ways to Be a White Ally to Black People

Michael Brown, an African-American teenager, was shot six times and killed by Darren Wilson, a white police officer, during a stop for jaywalking in Ferguson, Mo. Some facts are uncontroverted: Brown was unarmed when he was shot about 35 feet away from Wilson, who didn’t know that Brown was a suspect in an alleged shoplifting incident that occurred a short time before the shooting. Other facts are disputed: Some people claim that Brown attacked Wilson, and others claim that Brown was running away from Wilson with his hands in the air. Either way, another young black man is dead because of use of excessive force by the police in a situation that did not justify shooting to kill.

Most of us have watched as Ferguson’s black community rose up in outrage against the almost all-white police department, demanding justice and accountability. Our disbelief and heartache turned to collective anger and fear as the response to the protests became more militarized, with the deployment of police dogs, riot gear, tear gas and rubber bullets. And we’ve started speaking out in opposition to these developments, all of which have the hallmarks of being rooted in systemic, institutionalized racism.

Yet some people, especially some white people, have not yet become engaged. Perhaps they don’t know what to say or how to say it or are concerned about backlash from other white people. This is understandable but not acceptable when the continuation of white silence and inaction means the oppression and death of black people.

So let’s talk about an active role for white people in the fight against racism, because racism burdens all of us and is destroying our communities. White people have a role in undoing racism because white people created and, for the most part, currently maintain (whether they want to or not) the racist system that benefits white people to the detriment of people of color.

White people who hate racism should work hard to become white allies. Here are some ways for a white person to become engaged, thoughtfully and critically, in examining the crisis in Ferguson and systemic racism in America.


1. Learn about the racialized history of Ferguson and how it reflects the racialized history of America. Brown’s killing is not an anomaly or a statistical outlier. It is the direct product of deadly tensions born from decades of housing discrimination, white flight, intergenerational poverty and racial profiling.

2. Reject the “He was a good kid” or “He was a criminal” narrative and lift up the “Black lives matter” narrative. Those who knew him say Brown was a good kid. But that’s not why his death is tragic. His death isn’t tragic because he was on his way to college the following week. His death is tragic because he was a human being and his life mattered. The good-kid narrative might provoke some sympathy, but what it really does is support the lie that as a rule black people, black men in particular, have a norm of violence or criminal behavior. The good-kid narrative says that this kid didn’t deserve to die because his goodness was an exception to the rule. This is wrong. This kid didn’t deserve to die, period. Similarly, reject the “He was a criminal” narrative surrounding the convenience store robbery because even if Brown did steal some cigars and have a scuffle with the shopkeeper, that is still not a justification for his killing. All black lives matter, not just the ones we deem to be “good.”

3. Use words that speak the truth about the disempowerment, oppression, disinvestment and racism that are rampant in our communities. Be mindful, and politically and socially aware with your language. Notice how the mainstream news outlets are using words like “riot” and “looting” to describe the uprising in Ferguson. What’s happening is not a riot. The people are protesting with a righteous anger. This is a justified rebellion.

4. Understand the modern forms of race oppression and slavery and how they are intertwined with policing, the courts and the prison-industrial complex.Black people aren’t enslaved on the plantation anymore. Now African Americans are locked up in for-profit prisons at disproportionate rates and for longer sentences for the same crimes committed by white people. And when we’re released we’re second-class citizens, stripped of voting rights in some states and denied access to housing, employment and education. Mass incarceration is the new Jim Crow.

5. Examine the interplay between poverty and racial equity. The twin pillar of racism is economic injustice, but don’t use class issues to trump race issues and avoid the racism conversation. Although racism and class oppression are tangled together in this country, the fact remains that the No. 1 predictor of prosperity and access to opportunity is race.

6. Diversify your media. Be intentional about looking for and paying close attention to diverse voices of color on television, on radio, online and in print to help shape your awareness, understanding and thinking about political, economic and social issues.

7. Adhere to the philosophy of nonviolence as you resist racism and oppression. Martin Luther King Jr. advocated for nonviolent conflict reconciliation as the primary strategy of the civil rights movement and the charge of his “final marching orders.” East Point Peace Academy offers online resources and in-person training on nonviolence that is accessible to all people, regardless of ability to pay.

8. Find support from fellow white allies. Challenge and encourage one another to dig deeper, even when it hurts and especially when you feel confused, angry and hopeless, so that you can be more authentic in your shared journey with people of color to protect principles of anti-racism and equity. Go to workshops like Training for Change’s Whites Confronting Racism or the People’s Institute’s European Dissent. Attend the White Privilege Conference or the Facing Raceconference. Some organizations offer scholarships or reduced fees to help people attend.

9. If you are a person of faith, look to your Scriptures or other holy texts for guidance. Seek out faith-based organizations like Sojourners, and follow faith leaders who incorporate social justice into their ministry. Ask your clergyperson to address anti-racism in sermons and teachings. If you are not a person of faith, learn how the world’s religions view social-justice issues so that when you have an opportunity to invite people of faith to also become white allies, you can talk with them meaningfully about why being a white ally is supported by their spiritual beliefs.

10. Don’t be afraid to be unpopular. If you start calling out all the racism you witness (and it will be a lot, once you know what you’re seeing), some people might not want to hang out with you as much. But think about it like this: Staying silent when you witness oppression is the same as supporting oppression. So you can be the popular person who stands with oppression, or you can be the (maybe) unpopular person who stands for equality and dignity for all people. Which person would you prefer to be?

11. Be proactive in your own community. As a white ally, you are not limited to reacting only when black people are subjected to violence very visibly and publicly. Moments of crisis do not need to be the catalyst. Taking action against systemic racism is always appropriate because systemic racism permeates this country. Some ideas for action: Organize a community conversation about the state of police-community relations in your neighborhood; support leaders of color by donating your time or money to their campaigns or causes; ask the local library to host a showing of, and discussion group about, the documentary Race—the Power of an Illusionattend workshops to learn how to transform conflict into opportunity for dialogue. Gather together white allies who represent the diversity of backgrounds in your community. Anti-racism is not a liberals-only cause. Anti-racism is a movement for all people, whether they are conservative, progressive, rich, poor, urban or rural.

12. Don’t give up. We’re 400 years into this racist system, and it’s going to take decades—centuries, probably—to dismantle. The anti-racism movement is a struggle for generations, not simply the hot-button issue of the moment. Transformation of a broken system doesn’t happen quickly or easily. You may not see or feel the positive impact of your white allyship during the next month, the next year, the next decade or even your lifetime. But don’t ever stop. Being a white ally matters because you will be part of what turns the tide someday. Change starts with the individual.

People of color cannot and should not shoulder the burden for dismantling the racist, white-supremacist system that devalues and criminalizes black life without the all-in support, blood, sweat and tears of white people. If you are not already a white ally, now is the time to become one.

Editor’s note: A version of this article was previously published at What Matters.

101 Fantastic Ideas for Students when Feeling College is TOO MUCH

I think that, for most of us, there are times in life when it all just feels like Too Much. Can you say #SelfCare?

There may be some days, weeks, months, maybe even years when — for whatever reason — just getting through the day or going to work or putting one foot in front of the other feels hard. Really, really hard.


Maybe it’s because you’re wrestling with anxiety, depression, or some other mental illness.

Maybe it’s because you’ve had your heart broken. Maybe you’ve gone through a physical or emotional trauma. Maybe you’re deeply grieving. Or maybe there’s no easily understood reason for why you’re feeling bad.

Whatever the case, I want you to know that it’s OK if you’re going through a tough time.

This doesn’t make you any less lovable, worthy, or capable. This just means you’re human. Being a human can be a messy, hard, confusing, painful experience sometimes.

So if you or someone you love is going through one of these tough times right now, a time where it all just feels like too much, I want to offer up 101 suggestions for self-care to help you or your loved one get through this time.

Photo via iStock.

1. Have a good, long, body-shaking cry.

2. Call a trusted friend or family member and talk it out.

3. Call in sick. Take comp time if you can. Take a mental health day.

4. Say no to extra obligations, chores, or anything that pulls on your precious self-care time.

5. Book a session (or more!) with your therapist.

6. Dial down your expectations of yourself at this time. When you’re going through life’s tough times, I invite you to soften your expectations of yourself and others.

7. Tuck yourself into bed early with a good book and clean sheets.

8. Watch a comforting/silly/funny/lighthearted TV show or movie. (“Parks and Recreation,” anyone?)

9. Reread your favorite picture and chapter books from childhood.

10. Ask for some love and tenderness from your friends on social media. Let them comment on your post and remind you that you’re loved.

11. Look at some some really gorgeous pieces of art.

12. Watch YouTube videos of Ellen DeGeneres and the adorable kids she has on her show.

13. Look at faith-in-humanity-restoring lists from around the internet.

14. Ask for help. From whomever you need it — your boss, your doctor, your partner, your therapist, your mom. Let people know you need some help.

15. Wrap yourself up in a cozy fleece blanket and sip a cup of hot tea.

16. Breathe. Deeply. Slowly. Four counts in. Six counts out.

17. Hydrate. Have you had enough water today?

18. Eat. Have you eaten something healthy and nourishing today?

19. Sleep. Have you slept seven to nine hours? Is it time for some rest?

20. Shower. Then dry your hair and put on clothes that make you feel good.

21. Go outside and be in the sunshine.

22. Move your body gently in ways that feel good. Maybe aim for 30 minutes. Or 10 minutes if 30 feels like too much.

23. Read a story (or stories) of people who overcame adversity or maybe dealt with mental illness, too. (I personally admire J.K. Rowling’s story.)

24. Go to a 12-step meeting. Or any group meeting where support is offered. Check out church listings, hospital listings, or school listings, for example.

25. If you suspect something may be physiologically off with you, go see your doctor and/or psychiatrist and talk to them. Medication might help you at this time, and professionals can assist you in assessing this.

26. Take a long, hot bath. Light a candle and pamper yourself.

27. Read inspirational quotes.

28. Cuddle someone or something. Your partner. A pillow. Your friend’s dog.

29. Read previous emails, postcards, letters, etc. from friends and family reminding you of happier times.

30. Knit. Sculpt. Bake. Engage your hands.

31. Exhaust yourself physically — running, yoga, swimming, whatever helps you feel fatigued.

32. Write it out. Go free-form in a journal or on a computer. Get it all out and vent.

33. Create a plan if you’re feeling overwhelmed. List out what you need to do next to tackle and address whatever you’re facing. Chunk it down into manageable and understandable pieces.

34. Remind yourself you only have to get through the next five minutes. Then the next five. And so on.

35. Take five minutes to meditate.

36. Write out a list of 25 reasons you’ll be OK.

37. Write out a list of 25 examples of things you’ve overcome or accomplished.

38. Write out a list of 25 reasons you’re a good, lovable person.

39. Write out a list of 25 things that make your life beautiful.

40. Sniff some scents that bring you joy or remind you of happier times.

41. Ask for support from friends and family via text if voice-to-voice contact feels like too much. Ask them to check in with you via text daily or weekly, whatever you need.

42. Lay down on the ground. Let the Earth or floor hold you. You don’t have to hold it all on your own.

43. Clean up a corner of a room of your house. Sometimes tidying up can help calm our minds.

44. Ask yourself: What’s my next most immediate priority? Do that that. Then ask the question again.

45. Read some poetry. RumiHafiz, and Mary Oliver are all excellent.

46. Take a tech break. Delete or deactivate social media if it feels too triggering right now.

47. Or maybe get on tech. If you’ve been isolating, maybe interacting with friends and family online might feel good.

48. Go out in public and be around others. You don’t have to engage, but maybe sit in a coffee shop or on a bench at a museum and soak up the humanity around you.

49. Or if you’re feeling too saturated with contact, go home. Cancel plans and tend to the introverted parts of yourself.

50. Ask friends and family to remind you that things will be OK and that what you’re feeling is temporary.

51. Put up some Christmas lights in your bedroom. They often make things more magical.

52. Spend a little money and treat yourself to some self-care and comfort. Maybe take a taxi versus the bus. Buy your lunch instead of forcing yourself to pack it. Buy some flowers that delight you.

53. Make art. Scribble with crayons. Splash some watercolors. Paint a rock. Whatever. Just create something.

54. Go wander around outside in your neighborhood and take a look at all the lovely houses and the way people decorate their gardens. Delight in the diversity of design.

55. Go visit or volunteer at your local animal rescue. Pet some animals.

56. Look at photos of people you love. Set them as the wallpaper of your phone or laptop.

57. Create and listen to a playlist of songs that remind you of happier times.

58. Read some spiritual literature.

59. Scream, pound pillows, tear up paper, shake your body to move the energy out.

60. Eat your favorite, most comforting foods.

61. Watch old “Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood” videos online.

62. Turn off the lights, sit down, stare into space, and do absolutely nothing.

63. Pick one or two things that feel like progress and do them. Make your bed. Put away the dishes. Return an email.

64. Go to a church or spiritual community service. Sit among others and absorb any guidance or grace that feels good to you.

65. Allow yourself to fantasize about what you’re hoping or longing for. There are clues and energy in your reveries and daydreams that are worth paying attention to.

66. Watch autonomous sensory meridian response videos to help you calm down and fall asleep at night.

67. Listen to monks chantingsinging Tibetan bowls, or nature sounds to help soothe you.

68. Color in some coloring books.

69. Revisit an old hobby. Even if it feels a little forced, try your hand at things you used to enjoy and see what comes up for you.

70. Go to the ocean. Soak up the negative ions.

71. Go to the mountains. Absorb the strength and security of them.

72. Go to the forest. Drink in the shelter, life, and sacredness of the trees.

73. Put down the personal help books and pick up some good old-fashioned fiction.

74. Remember: Your only job right now is to put one foot in front of the other.

75. Allow and feel and express your feelings — all of them! — safely and appropriately. Seek out help if you need support in this.

76. Listen to sad songs or watch sad movies if you need a good cry. (“Steel Magnolias,” anyone?)

77. Dance around wildly to your favorite, most cheesy songs from your high school years.

78. Put your hands in dirt. If you have a garden, go garden. If you have some indoor plants, tend to them. If you don’t have plants or a garden, go outside. Go to a local nursery and touch and smell all the gorgeous plants.

79. If you want to stay in bed all day watching Netflix, do it. Indulge.

80. Watch or listen to some comedy shows or goofy podcasts.

81. Look up examples of people who have gone through and made it through what you’re currently facing. Seek out models of inspiration.

82. Get expert help with whatever you need. Whether that’s through therapy, psychiatry, a lawyer, clergy, or something else, let those trained to support you do it.

83. Educate yourself about what you’re going through. Learn about what you’re facing, what you can expect to feel, and how you can support yourself in this place.

84. Establish a routine and stick to it. Routines can bring so much comfort and grounding in times of life that feel chaotic or out of control.

85. Do some hardcore nesting and make your home or bedroom as cozy and beautiful and comforting as possible.

86. Get up early and watch a sunrise.

87. Go outside, set up a chair, and watch the sunset.

88. Make your own list of self-soothing activities that engage all five of your senses.

89. Develop a supportive morning ritual for yourself.

90. Develop a relaxing evening ritual for yourself.

91. Join a support group for people who are going through what you’re going through. Check out the listings at local hospitals, libraries, churches, and universities to see what’s out there.

92. Volunteer at a local shelter or hospital or nursing home. Practice being of service to others who may also be going through a tough time.

93. Accompany a friend or family member to something. Even if it’s just keeping them company while they run errands, sometimes this kind of contact can feel like good self-care.

94. Take your dog for a walk. Or borrow a friend’s dog and take them for a walk.


This kangaroo dog loves walks.

95. Challenge your negative thinking.

96. Practice grounding, relaxation techniques.

97. Do something spontaneous. Walk or drive a different way to work. Order something new off the menu. Listen to a playlist of new songs.

98. Work with your doctor, naturopath, or nutritionist to develop a physical exercise plan and food plan that will be supportive to whatever you’re facing right now.

99. Pray. Meditate. Write a letter to God, the universe, the Source, your higher self — whatever you believe in.

100. As much as you can, try and trust the process.

101. Finally, remember, what you’re going through right now is temporary. It may not feel like that from inside the tough time you’re in, but this too shall pass and you will feel different again someday. If you can’t have faith in that, let me hold the hope for you.

This list is really just a starting point meant to catalyze your own thinking about how you can best take care of yourself during life’s tough times and to spark your curiosity and interest in strengthening your self-care now and ongoing.

It’s not meant to be prescriptive nor do I mean to imply you need to do all or any of these things to take good care of yourself. You are the expert of your own experience, and I trust that you know what’s best for you.

Also, my hope is that in reading this, you’re hearing me say how normal and natural it is to struggle and to have these tough, hard times. It’s part of being human.

You’re not alone in this.

The suggestions and ideas mentioned herein— in no way are a substitute for care or advice from a licensed mental health care clinician, doctor, or other accredited professional. These are self-care coaching suggestions, not therapeutic advice. Moreover, if you feel suicidal or find yourself having suicidal ideations, call the 24/7 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255.

Racism’s Emotional Toll on Student Minds

Our screens and feeds are filled with news and images of black Americans dying or being brutalized. A brief and yet still-too-long list: Trayvon MartinTamir RiceWalter ScottEric GarnerRenisha McBride. The image of a white police officer straddling a black teenager on a lawn in McKinney, Tex., had barely faded before we were forced to grapple with the racially motivated shooting in Charleston, S.C.

I’ve had numerous conversations with friends and colleagues who are stressed out by the recent string of events; our anxiety and fear is palpable. A few days ago, a friend sent a text message that read, “I’m honestly terrified this will happen to us or someone we know.” Twitter and Facebook are teeming with anguish, and within my own social network (which admittedly consists largely of writers, academics and activists), I’ve seen several ad hoc databases of clinics and counselors crop up to help those struggling to cope. Instagram and Twitter have become a means to circulate information about yoga, meditation and holistic treatment services for African-Americans worn down by the barrage of reports about black deaths and police brutality, and I’ve been invited to several small gatherings dedicated to discussing these events. A handful of friends recently took off for Morocco for a few months with the explicit goal of escaping the psychic weight of life in America.

It was against this backdrop that I first encountered the research of Monnica Williams, a psychologist, professor and the director of the University of Louisville’s Center for Mental Health Disparities. Several years ago, Williams treated a “high-functioning patient, with two master’s degrees and a job at a company that anyone would recognize.” The woman, who was African-American, had been devastated by racial harassment by a director within her company. Williams recalls being stunned by how drastically her patient’s condition deteriorated as a result of the treatment. “She completely withdrew and was suffering from extreme emotional anxiety,” she told me. “And that’s what made me say, ‘Wow, we have to focus on this.’ ”

In a 2013 Psychology Today article, Williams wrote that “much research has been conducted on the social, economic and political effects of racism, but little research recognizes the psychological effects of racism on people of color.” Williams now studies the link between racism and post-traumatic stress disorder, which is known as race-based traumatic stress injury, or the emotional distress a person may feel after encountering racial harassment or hostility. Although much of Williams’s work focuses on individuals who have been directly targeted by racial discrimination or aggression, she says race-based stress reactions can be triggered by events that are experienced vicariously, or externally, through a third party — like social media or national news events. She argues that racism should be included as a cause of PTSD in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (D.S.M.).

Williams is in the process of opening a clinical program that will exclusively treat race-based stress and trauma, in a predominantly black neighborhood in Louisville. Shortly after the Charleston shooting, I called Williams to discuss her work; what follows is a lightly edited and condensed transcript of our conversation.

What is race-based stress and trauma?

It’s a natural byproduct of the types of experiences that minorities have to deal with on a regular basis. I would argue that it is pathological, which means it is a disorder that we can assess and treat. To me, that means these are symptoms that are a diagnosable disorder that require a clinical intervention. It goes largely unrecognized in most people, and that’s based on my experience as a clinician.

What are the symptoms?

Depression, intrusion (the inability to get the thoughts about what happened out of one’s mind), vigilance (an inability to sleep, out of fear of danger), anger, loss of appetite, apathy and avoidance symptoms and emotional numbing. My training and study has been on post-traumatic stress disorder for a long time, and the two look very much alike.

Over the weekend, I received several distressing emails and texts from friends who were suffering from feelings of anxiety and depression. Do you think we should all be in treatment?

I think everyone could benefit from psychotherapy, but I think just talking to someone and processing the feelings can be very effective. It doesn’t have to be with a therapist; it could be with a pastor, family, friends and people who understand it and aren’t going to make it worse by telling you to stop complaining.

What do you think about the #selfcare hashtags on social media and the role of “Black Twitter” as resources for people who may not have the resources they need to help process this? Are online interactions like that more meaningful than they initially might seem?

Online communities such as VitalStudentMinds.com — can be a great source of support, of course — with the caveat that even just one hater can be stressful for everyone, and that’s the danger of it. But if you don’t have a friend or a family member, just find someone who is sensitive and understanding and can deal with racial issues.

In our initial email about the ripple effects of the murders in Charleston, you used the phrase “vicarious trauma.” What does that mean?

Because the African-American community has such a long history of pervasive discrimination, something that impacts someone many miles away can sometimes impact all of us. That’s what I mean by vicarious traumatization.

Is racial trauma widely recognized as a legitimate disorder?

The trauma of events like this is not formally recognized in the D.S.M. It talks about different types of trauma and stress-related ailments, but it doesn’t say that race trauma can be a factor or a trigger for these problems. Psychiatrists, unless they’ve had some training or personal experience with this, are not going to know to look for it and aren’t going to understand it when they see it. In order for it to be recognized, we have to get a good body of scientific research, a lot of publications in reputable peer-reviewed journals. Right now, there’s only been a few. And we need to produce more.

On your blog, you chronicled the experience of a woman who encounters a therapist who dismisses her fears about racism. Is one barrier to treatment getting the medical community to acknowledge that racism exists?

Yes. A lot of people in the medical community live very privileged lives, so racism isn’t a reality to them. When someone comes in and talks to them, it might sound like a fairy tale, rather than a real daily struggle that people are dealing with. Research shows that African-Americans, for example, are optimistic when they start therapy, but within a few sessions feel less optimistic and have high early dropout rates. It could be that clinicians don’t know how to address their problems, or they may even be saying things that are subtly racist that may drive their clients away. If the patient feels misunderstood or even insulted by the therapist and they don’t go back and get help, they end up suffering for years or even the rest of their lives for something that is very treatable.

Is there a recommended model for treatment?

We have great treatments that are empirically supported for trauma, but the racial piece hasn’t really been studied very well. That’s no easy task, because when we write these articles, they go to journals, where an editor looks at it and decides if it’s worthy and applicable to go in the journal. And then it goes to reviewers who decide if it’s a worthy and applicable topic.

Why has it taken so long to get momentum?

If you think about it, they weren’t even letting black people get Ph.D.s 30 years ago in a lot of places. Ethnic minority researchers are the ones who are carrying the torch, by and large. We’re only to the place now where we have enough researchers to do the work. And there’s so much work that needs to be done.

Checkout our handout for more information on coping with trauma. 

Poetry Addressing Racism and Black American Identity

Here’s some poetry that could also be healing for students addressing racism and Black American Identity:

 

1. A Litany for Survival” by Audre Lorde

So it is better to speakrememberingwe were never meant to survive

Amazon

 

 

So it is better to speak

remembering

we were never meant to survive

2. The Last Quatrain of the Ballad of Emmett Till” by Gwendolyn Brooks

after the murder,

after the burial

Emmett’s mother is a pretty-faced thing;

the tint of pulled taffy.

3. Cordon Negro” by Essex Hemphill

I’m dying twice as fast

as any other American

between eighteen and thirty-five

This disturbs me,

but I try not to show it in public.

4. Where Do You Enter” by Nikki Giovanni

We begin a poemwith longingand end withresponsibilityAnd laugh all through the stormsthat are boundto come

Pictorial Parade / Getty Images

 

We begin a poem

with longing

and end with

responsibility

And laugh

all through the storms

that are bound

to come

5. Lineage” by Margaret Walker

My grandmothers are full of memories

Smelling of soap and onions and wet clay

With veins rolling roughly over quick hands

They have many clean words to say.

My grandmothers were strong.

Why am I not as they?

6. The Night Rains Hot Tar” by Lance Jeffers

The night rains hot tar into my throat,

the taste is good to my heart’s tongue,

into my heart the night pours down its moon

like a yellow molten residue of dung:

the night pours down the sea into my throat

my heart drains off its blood in love and pain:

the night pours a Negro song into my throat,

bloodred is the color of this rain:

7. Bullet Points” by Jericho Brown

I will not shoot myselfIn the head, and I will not shoot myselfIn the back, and I will not hang myselfWith a trashbag, and if I do,I promise you, I will not do it In a police car while handcuffed

Amazon / Via amazon.com

 

 

I will not shoot myself

In the head, and I will not shoot myself

In the back, and I will not hang myself

With a trashbag, and if I do,

I promise you, I will not do it

In a police car while handcuffed

8. ” A Small Needful Fact” by Ross Gay

Is that Eric Garner worked

for some time for the Parks and Rec.

Horticultural Department, which means,

perhaps, that with his very large hands,

perhaps, in all likelihood,

he put gently into the earth

some plants which, most likely,

some of them, in all likelihood,

continue to grow,

9. Black Lady Lazarus” by Diamond Sharp

Dying is an art and we Black girls do it so well.

Sandra &

Aiyana &

Rekia &

10. If It Is The Summer Of 2009” by Hanif Abdurraqib

…we revel in long enough to forget

that we are black in our 20’s which is to say that we are too old

for this shit

and by this shit I of course mean living

I of course mean that we have carried the lifeless bodies of enough younger brothers to never forget that we should be dead by now

we should have the decency to unburden America

by our dying on the side of a cracked road

11. praise song” by Nate Marshall

praise the Hennessy, the brown shine, the dull burn. praise the dare, the take it, the no face you’re supposed to make.praise the house, its many rooms,hardwood and butter leather couches;its richness. praise the rich, their friendship.praise the friends: the child of the well off,the child of the well off, the child of  well,the child of welfare, the child of welfare.

Amazon / Via amazon.com

 

praise the Hennessy, the brown

shine, the dull burn. praise

the dare, the take it, the no face

you’re supposed to make.

praise the house, its many rooms,

hardwood and butter leather couches;

its richness. praise the rich, their friendship.

praise the friends: the child of the well off,

the child of the well off, the child of  well,

the child of welfare, the child of welfare.

12. What They Did Yesterday Afternoon” by Warsan Shire

later that night

i held an atlas in my lap

ran my fingers across the whole world

and whispered

where does it hurt?

it answered

everywhere

everywhere

everywhere.

13. Self-Portrait In Case of Disappearance” by Safia Elhillo

girls with fathers gone or gone missing

sistered to dark boys marked to die & our own

bodies scarved & arranged in rows on prayer mats

we go missing too & who mourns us who

falls into the gap we leave in the world

14. Elegy” by Aracelis Girmay

What to do with this knowledge
that our living is not guaranteed?

Perhaps one day you touch the young branch

of something beautiful. & it grows & grows

despite your birthdays & the death certificate,

& it one day shades the heads of something beautiful

or makes itself useful to the nest. Walk out

of your house, then, believing in this.

Nothing else matters.

15. Gravity” by Angel Nafis

After Carrie Mae Weems’s ‘The Kitchen Table Series’

I. THE STRAW

Can you throw this away Maybe you should hire more Black staff
Where are you really from You’re not busy are you You look ethnic today
Where’s the African American section Can you turn the music down
Fasterfasterfaster Let me see those eyes Beautiful If you were mine
I’d never let you leave the house It’s like you went straight to Africa
to get this one Is that your hair I mean your real hair Blackass
Your gums are black You Black You stink You need a perm
I don’t mean to be
racist

16. Let Me Handle My Business, Damn” by Morgan Parker

Took me awhile to learn the good words

make the rain on my window grown

and sexy now I’m in the tub holding down

that on-sale Bordeaux pretending

to be well adjusted I am on that real

jazz shit sometimes I run the streets

sometimes they run me I’m the body

of the queen of my hood filled up

with bad wine bad drugs mu shu pork

sick beats what more can I say to you

17. Summer, Somewhere” by Danez Smith

no need for geographynow that we’re safe everywhere.point to whatever you please& call it church, home, or sweet love.paradise is a world where everythingis a sanctuary & nothing is a gun.

Courtesy of danezsmithpoet.com / Via danezsmithpoet.com

 

no need for geography

now that we’re safe everywhere.

point to whatever you please

& call it church, home, or sweet love.

paradise is a world where everything

is a sanctuary & nothing is a gun.

How to Avoid Developing Social Anxiety When You Work From Home

You might have been enjoying the perks of working from home too much that you’re forgetting the life ‘out there’.

You’re too focused on your projects that you have a strong tendency to dismiss taking breaks and having face-to-face interactions with other people. You’re too digitally connected with your remote team but you’re falling short in nurturing actual connections with your family and friends.

Working from home every single day makes you more inclined to becoming a loner; a hard-working individual who gradually drifts away from social circles. There’s nothing really wrong with indulging in your alone time. Besides, it’s in the nature of freelancing–to do things on your own.

The only downside is that too much of this isolation can leave you lonely. Worse, it makes you more prone to developing social anxiety–the fear of interaction with other people.

People with social anxiety feel uncomfortable when stuck in a crowd. They’re afraid of being judged when they attempt to open a conversation. They struggle when trapped in a situation that requires them to socialize.

social anxiety freelancers

If working from home is slowly affecting your social skills, the only way to stop this from worsening is to go out more often and reconnect with people.

How can you avoid developing social anxiety?

Go on meet ups.

Freelancing solitude is real. So before it brings you any serious problem, find other freelancers who can help you deal with what you’re going through. It helps to know that, in this case, you were never really alone all this time.

Meet ups provide you a great chance to network, too. There could be some attendees who need help in your area of expertise. Take every chance of collaboration. It will boost not just your social skills but also your career (think: collab projects).

Start a new hobby.

Since you’re in full control of your time, you can set an hour a day to do something far different from the work that you do. It could be an activity you’ve tried before or anything you have zero knowledge of. Because the whole point of this is for you to socialize more often, find workshops in your community so you can learn with a group.

Schedule an errand.

Do you need to go to the market or take your cat to the vet? Schedule it on a weekday even if you have work to do so you have a reason to get away from your desk and take a break.

Eat out.

Go out for lunch once a week. Just because you work from home it doesn’t mean you can’t have a lunch out. Invite a friend or a family member because eating alone outside will defeat your socialization goal.

Rent a co-working space.

If you’re missing the social interaction in your old workplace, set a day out of your home office and rent a desk at a communal workspace. This shared environment gathers like-minded people, mostly creatives and soloprenuers. Be ready as you might get the chance to find a potential business partner or client in the future.

What it’s like to mess up with anxiety

July 20, 2017

My insomnia has kept me up all night, waking me every time I manage to get just two or three hours of sleep. Sleep-deprived and unable to function, I end up crashing back into bed after lunch. My cup of coffee this morning was simply not enough to keep me awake the entire day.

It’s now 1:13 p.m., and I have just woken up. I check my phone and receive the shock of my life. I have slept through the alarm that was supposed to ring at 4 p.m. I am now late for my therapy session that was supposed to start 13 minutes ago. There is a text from my therapist, wondering whether I am going to turn up. I have never missed a therapy session, and usually, I’m not even late. I silently berate myself for making such a blunder. I quickly reply her text to apologize and ask if we can reschedule. Being the wonderful person that she is, she offers to arrange another appointment. There’s just one problem. She is going to be away for a few weeks, and I’ll only get to see her in three weeks’ time. I panic. She is my only source of support. The one person who knows how much I struggle just to get through the week. I really needed to speak to her about how bad things are getting. Now, I had messed everything up.

It didn’t take long before the vicious cycle of self-loathing began.

What is wrong with me? Who even falls asleep in the afternoon? Why did I not wake up when my alarm rang? It’s all my fault. I just wasted my therapist’s time. How irresponsible of me… She must think I don’t care about our sessions because I don’t even bother to show up. All I had to do was wake up when my alarm rang and get to my session on time. I can’t even do something as simple as managing my life and my schedule. This goes on and on and finally ends with a single and all-consuming thought: I hate myself.

This is what it’s like for me living with complex post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and anxiety. All it takes is a single slip-up for the catastrophizing cycle of self-deprecation to begin. Every time it happens, it feels like everything I have worked so hard to achieve is crumbling right before my eyes. All my accomplishments simply turn to dust and fade into nothingness. I feel like I have nothing to be proud of. There is nothing good about myself, and I feel completely worthless.

My mental illness lies to me all the time, and it’s a constant struggle to silence its lies in my head. It blurs the lines between the past and the present, making me feel as if I’m right back there in the terrifying moments of my traumatic experiences. Some days it wins, but not today. Today, I’m choosing to show some compassion for myself. I made a mistake. Just one mistake. And it’s OK.

Intern reporter 

Record Gifts for NonProfits last year

I don’t usually wait with bated breath for annual giving trends and studies. But this year was different. Many fundraisers (including me) were eager to understand how the emergence of the Trump Presidency last year may be affecting the giving landscape, particularly at the individual giving level.

Like many people, I was intrigued and delighted at the news of big giving surges that occurred in the wake of Trump’s victory. Planned Parenthood reported receiving over 80,000 donations within days of the election. The American Civil Liberties Union received $24 million in online donations in the weekend that followed the news of Trump’s proposed Muslim travel ban.

The nonprofit Meals on Wheels, which delivers food to families in need across the country, took in more than $100,000 in donations after Trump proposed federal budget cuts. Were these giving surges one-time events or a presage of an enduring phenomenon with lasting impact?

The Giving USA Report: Documenting Increases in Gifts to Nonprofits

The annual Giving USA report is the longest-running report of charitable giving in the United States. The latest report, covering the year 2016, sheds some interesting light on philanthropy trends that may continue to affect nonprofits during the Trump era.

The Giving USA study reports that for 2016, all giving rose to $390.1 billion, which is a 1.4 percent growth over 2015 (adjusted for inflation). Individual donors really helped drive giving in 2016, and continue to represent the biggest piece of the charitable giving pie (72 percent). Individual giving alone had a 3.9 percent increase over the previous year!

Meanwhile, charitable giving from foundations and corporations also increased in 2016. However, gifts by estates decreased sharply (-10 percent).

In the individual donor category, it appears that all categories of recipient organizations saw an increase in giving in 2016, meaning that giving wasn’t isolated to so-called “resistance-oriented” groups. The greatest year-over-year increases were seen in environment and animals (7.2 percent); arts, culture, and humanities (6.4 percent); and international affairs (5.8 percent). Even religious groups saw a 3 percent increase.

Towards the Democratization of Philanthropy

Numerous commentators in the nonprofit philanthropy community seized upon this growth in the individual donor category as an important bellwether of changing giving trends in the Trump era.

Ruth McCambridge writes in The Nonprofit Quarterly: “Amid great political uncertainty, and probably even because of it, people without enormous wealth gave in larger numbers than they have in the recent past. The highest increases among recipient groups were […] front and center in public and political discourse toward the end of 2016 as areas that might be targeted for policy changes and defunding by the new administration.”

McCambridge continues: “All of this should come as little surprise to nonprofits, since we already knew that volunteering and giving are relatively closely linked behaviors. Thus, the massive number of people who volunteered to show up for protests on climate policy, immigration, science, and women’s rights over the past six or seven months should have been something of a predictor of what we could expect in giving trends. That makes this an exciting moment for fundraisers and organizers […] and you get a sense of the potential of this moment.”

Quoted in that same article is Patrick M. Rooney, Ph.D., associate dean for academic affairs and research at the Lilly Family School of Philanthropy, which researched the Giving USA report.

He suggests that “we saw something of a democratization of philanthropy. The strong growth in individual giving may be less attributable to the largest of the large gifts, which were not as robust as we have seen in some prior years, suggesting that more of that growth in 2016 may have come from giving by donors among the general population compared to recent years.”

Making the Most of This New Era of Civic Engagement

Let’s return for a moment to our initial mention of Planned Parenthood, ACLU, and Meals on Wheels, who saw a literal deluge of donations from existing and new donors. Can these — and many other organizations who aren’t mentioned here — take full advantage of this opportunity to cultivate and deepen relationships with donors, volunteers, and subscribers, eager for action?

If current trends and news reports are to be believed, we are well on our way to a new era of civic engagement. Says McCambridge: “It may be time to concentrate on making the most of this period of multi-faceted activism and our very rich landscape of mobilizable human and cash capital.”

Jay Love, writing in the Bloomerang blog, concurs. He believes that “if a strong base of individual supporters can be built via top-notch relationship building, which takes time, they can be retained at well above average retention levels.” He calls for a resurgence in individual donor cultivation.

As Steve MacLaughlin notes in Huffington Post: “Nonprofits are taking more risks, engaging supporters in new ways, and using more science to aid the art of fundraising. The future of fundraising will require risk, innovation, and a drive to move beyond the status quo.”

I, for one, will be watching nonprofit innovation blossom in the Trump era as a sign that we are embracing new strategies and tactics to engage and cultivate supporters. Will you join us in support of changing the support services for college students needing mental and psychological symptoms.

“The Stigma and Discrimination of Mental Illness”

“You don’t look like you have leukemia. I think you’re making it up to get attention.” “Well, call me when you decide to stop having arthritis.” “The cure for your epilepsy is to try harder not to have seizures. Just pull yourself together.” We wouldn’t say these things to someone with a physical illness, but people with mental illness hear such statements all the time. According to the CDC, in any given year, 1 in 4 adults in this country has a mental disorder. With numbers like these, it’s majorly important that we as a society change the way we view mental illness and treat those who live with it. The facts are clear: the stigma of mental illness is undeniable. Let’s first discuss what mental illness stigma is, then some reasons why it is harmful, and lastly what you can do to fight it.

So what exactly is stigma? Stigma shows up in different forms. The President’s New Freedom Commission on Mental Health defines stigma as “a cluster of negative attitudes and beliefs that motivate the general public to fear, reject, avoid, and discriminate against people with mental illnesses.” So, stigma begins in our minds. It happens when we believe myths and popular media portrayals of mental illness, such as, “All people with mental illness are violent,” and we start to put those with mental illness in a box. We assign labels and see them as different from us. And the moment we start to see someone or something as “different”, it sets the stage for wrongful treatment to occur. Think of racism or sexism. Stigma is no different, although we don’t consider it a blatant social taboo in that sense. And like those forms of prejudice, stigma manifests itself outwardly—in both subtle and overt discrimination. Let’s talk about the harm this causes—both for the person with mental illness and for society at large.

First, stigma harms the individual with mental illness. The CDC reports that only 20% of adults with a mental disorder saw a mental health provider in the past year, and the shame and embarrassment associated with getting help is a major barrier. We have created a society where people don’t want others to find out about their “issues”, and for this reason alone, many avoid seeking treatment. Instead, they may turn to dangerous coping methods such as smoking, binge eating or drinking, which raises their risk for chronic disease and early death. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, those living with serious mental illness die an average of 25 years earlier than the general public—largely due to treatable conditions. On a broader level, stigma harms society. Discrimination against people with mental illness leads to unequal access to housing, health care, employment, education, and community support, and this leads to unemployment, homelessness, and poverty. Serious mental illness costs America over $190 billion in lost earnings per year. At the highest level, stigma influences policymaking. For example, stigma shaped the creation of the Medicaid law, limiting the funds used for treating mental illness but not physical illness. Such things make it difficult to access services for those who do seek help. The June 25, 2014 issue of USA Today tells the story of Laura Pogliano, whose 22-year-old son has schizophrenia. She lost her home after she chose to pay her son’s $250,000 hospital bills instead of her mortgage because his care was not covered by insurance. With all these barriers, is it any wonder that on average, people with mental illness wait nearly a decade after their symptoms first appear to receive treatment?

So, what can you do about this problem? A lot. You see, stigma is something we create, which means it is also something we can reverse. First, you can educate yourself about mental illness. It’s as simple as doing a Google search. Learn the truth about these diseases so you can recognize myths and misconceptions when you hear them and point out, “Hey, that’s not true.” Education also gives you the awareness necessary to change the way you speak. Don’t toss around terms like “crazy”, “lunatic”, or “the mentally ill”. Also, don’t say things like, “He’s bipolar,” or “She’s an anorexic.” A person is not their illness. Instead, say, “She has anorexia,” or “a person with bipolar disorder”. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, or SAMHSA, calls this “people-first language”. I encourage you to take it a step further, and actually talk about mental illness. According to Patrick Corrigan, psychology professor at Illinois Institute of Technology, “Research shows that the most promising way to dispel stereotypes is to meet someone with mental illness face-to-face.” That’s why I tell my story.

My name is Mei. I’m twenty years old. I love reading, writing, art, psychology, and watching The Big Bang Theory. I dream of being a social worker, falling in love, and traveling the world. And— I live with depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and an eating disorder. I found that I’d internalized the stigma of mental illness so much that I’d ask people, “Do you still want to be my friend?” I realized I was almost expecting people to judge me as being “mental” or “unstable” and consequently not want to have a relationship with me. And I thought, “What is so wrong with our society that I feel I have to ask this question? If I had, say, asthma, or chronic migraines, would I still feel I’d have to ask, “Now that you know I have this condition, do you still want to be my friend?”? That leads to my third point, which is simply, be a friend. SAMHSA emphasizes the importance of positive relationships and social connections for mental illness recovery. The handout I’ve given you today lists some things you can do to help someone with a mental illness. Because mental illness is so widespread, I guarantee you that right now, you have someone in your life who needs this.

Today we talked about three aspects of mental illness stigma—what it is, why it hurts everyone, and what we can do about it. Friends, do you realize that you have the ability to create a world where someone like me, who lives with mental illness, can expect the same level of support and care as someone who has a physical illness? Maybe you can’t change the attitudes of everyone in the country, but you can choose how YOU act. You can be that caring and nonjudgmental friend someone needs. You can speak up and say, “We shouldn’t be ashamed to talk about this.” I’m doing it. Will you do the same?

The handout I created and passed out to each audience member as my visual aid.

I got an A on that speech, but what meant much more to me were the handwritten comments I received in the anonymous peer assessments we filled out after each speech.

  • Thank you, Meiyi. I [will] continue to do my part…Yes! as long as you want me, I’ll be your friend.
  • She made me think about considering their point of view because the way she put herself in the speech…
  • …thanks for making a stand…
  • I liked how you closed up with a personal story and encouraged everyone to help. It was a good combination of hooking everyones heart and helping them to want to help.
  • …I do have to say it makes me want to take a second look at her topic.
  • …It really hit close to heart because I’ve dealt with this issue…
  • I will change the way I refer to people with mental illness. (He is bipolar)

“Wow, that gave me the feels, brah!” Jay, one of the straight-out-of-high-school, backwards-cap-sporting, Arizona-iced-tea-guzzling students remarked, clapping me on the shoulder as I passed by. I smiled and thanked him, heart still pounding as I flirted with this unfamiliar, exhilirating spotlight. My classmates congratulated me on a job well done, and I began to feel the way I had when I’d finished my first semester of college—capable, brimming, rock-the-world empowered, like I could do anything. The cliche made the writer in me groan, but I was blossoming.

To this day, whenever I talk about mental illness I have to forcibly push through an automatic psychological resistance, a direct result of the stigma that thrives around these issues. But I’m just as determined to combat it. I have been called “disarmingly honest” by people who are surprised by how open I am about a topic others tend to hush up around. I propose a different take. Mental illness is not my fault; therefore, there’s no reason for it to be a source of shame or reflection on me as a person—so why shouldn’t I talk about it? Who am I helping by keeping my story and collective knowledge of these issues to myself like some guilty secret? No one benefits when we avoid talking about topics commonly considered “disgraceful”, “private matters”, or “taboo”, such as domestic violence, child abuse, sexual assault, and mental illness. In fact, not talking about these things guarantees that they’ll have even more devastating effects on our lives. I want people to understand that. In the meantime, I have to pave the way.

So, I talk.

Is it hard for me to do this? It does get easier the more I do it, but it still takes me a considerable amount of willpower and strength. Do I feel the societal judgment and shaming with each word I speak? You bet. Do I still do it? Yes, and I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon. I talk about the medication I’m on, chronic and acute symptoms I battle, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, flashbacks, and triggers. I talk about paralyzing depression, about my “adventures” in therapy, about past crises and coping skills. Often, once they get past their initial discomfort/surprise, people open up to me about their struggles with their own mental health, or offer their opinions on what I’ve shared. When this happens, I try to be a nonjudgmental and supportive listener. I like to think I’m getting better at this all the time.

As I wrap up today’s blog, I reiterate the last point of my speech, in which I attempted to enlist my classmates in my efforts to end the stigma that has accompanied mental illness for centuries. Now, I extend that same challenge to you. Will you speak up about mental illness, and other historically “forbidden” topics, in your professional and personal life? Will you take a stand against the miseducation and stereotypes, despite what other people may think or you perceive they’ll think?

Will you join me?

Tell me:

  • What common myth/stereotype irks/infuriates you? (For me, the popular “default” image of someone with mental illness as a filthy, disheveled man or woman with violent tendencies, rambling incoherently as they wander the streets. Yes, some people with mental illness do fit this stereotype, but most of us appear “normal”, people at whom you wouldn’t glance twice.)
  • What aspect of mental health would you like to see addressed more publicly? (For me, I’d like to see more people talking about PTSD as a result of traumas other than combat. For instance, did you know that children in foster care suffer higher rates of PTSD than veterans?)

“The Stigma of Mental Illness”

“You don’t look like you have leukemia. I think you’re making it up to get attention.” “Well, call me when you decide to stop having arthritis.” “The cure for your epilepsy is to try harder not to have seizures. Just pull yourself together.” We wouldn’t say these things to someone with a physical illness, but people with mental illness hear such statements all the time. According to the CDC, in any given year, 1 in 4 adults in this country has a mental disorder. With numbers like these, it’s majorly important that we as a society change the way we view mental illness and treat those who live with it. The facts are clear: the stigma of mental illness is undeniable. Let’s first discuss what mental illness stigma is, then some reasons why it is harmful, and lastly what you can do to fight it.

So what exactly is stigma? Stigma shows up in different forms. The President’s New Freedom Commission on Mental Health defines stigma as “a cluster of negative attitudes and beliefs that motivate the general public to fear, reject, avoid, and discriminate against people with mental illnesses.” So, stigma begins in our minds. It happens when we believe myths and popular media portrayals of mental illness, such as, “All people with mental illness are violent,” and we start to put those with mental illness in a box. We assign labels and see them as different from us. And the moment we start to see someone or something as “different”, it sets the stage for wrongful treatment to occur. Think of racism or sexism. Stigma is no different, although we don’t consider it a blatant social taboo in that sense. And like those forms of prejudice, stigma manifests itself outwardly—in both subtle and overt discrimination. Let’s talk about the harm this causes—both for the person with mental illness and for society at large.

First, stigma harms the individual with mental illness. The CDC reports that only 20% of adults with a mental disorder saw a mental health provider in the past year, and the shame and embarrassment associated with getting help is a major barrier. We have created a society where people don’t want others to find out about their “issues”, and for this reason alone, many avoid seeking treatment. Instead, they may turn to dangerous coping methods such as smoking, binge eating or drinking, which raises their risk for chronic disease and early death. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, those living with serious mental illness die an average of 25 years earlier than the general public—largely due to treatable conditions. On a broader level, stigma harms society. Discrimination against people with mental illness leads to unequal access to housing, health care, employment, education, and community support, and this leads to unemployment, homelessness, and poverty. Serious mental illness costs America over $190 billion in lost earnings per year. At the highest level, stigma influences policymaking. For example, stigma shaped the creation of the Medicaid law, limiting the funds used for treating mental illness but not physical illness. Such things make it difficult to access services for those who do seek help. The June 25, 2014 issue of USA Today tells the story of Laura Pogliano, whose 22-year-old son has schizophrenia. She lost her home after she chose to pay her son’s $250,000 hospital bills instead of her mortgage because his care was not covered by insurance. With all these barriers, is it any wonder that on average, people with mental illness wait nearly a decade after their symptoms first appear to receive treatment?

So, what can you do about this problem? A lot. You see, stigma is something we create, which means it is also something we can reverse. First, you can educate yourself about mental illness. It’s as simple as doing a Google search. Learn the truth about these diseases so you can recognize myths and misconceptions when you hear them and point out, “Hey, that’s not true.” Education also gives you the awareness necessary to change the way you speak. Don’t toss around terms like “crazy”, “lunatic”, or “the mentally ill”. Also, don’t say things like, “He’s bipolar,” or “She’s an anorexic.” A person is not their illness. Instead, say, “She has anorexia,” or “a person with bipolar disorder”. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, or SAMHSA, calls this “people-first language”. I encourage you to take it a step further, and actually talk about mental illness. According to Patrick Corrigan, psychology professor at Illinois Institute of Technology, “Research shows that the most promising way to dispel stereotypes is to meet someone with mental illness face-to-face.” That’s why I tell my story.

My name is Mei. I’m twenty years old. I love reading, writing, art, psychology, and watching The Big Bang Theory. I dream of being a social worker, falling in love, and traveling the world. And— I live with depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and an eating disorder. I found that I’d internalized the stigma of mental illness so much that I’d ask people, “Do you still want to be my friend?” I realized I was almost expecting people to judge me as being “mental” or “unstable” and consequently not want to have a relationship with me. And I thought, “What is so wrong with our society that I feel I have to ask this question? If I had, say, asthma, or chronic migraines, would I still feel I’d have to ask, “Now that you know I have this condition, do you still want to be my friend?”? That leads to my third point, which is simply, be a friend. SAMHSA emphasizes the importance of positive relationships and social connections for mental illness recovery. The handout I’ve given you today lists some things you can do to help someone with a mental illness. Because mental illness is so widespread, I guarantee you that right now, you have someone in your life who needs this.

Today we talked about three aspects of mental illness stigma—what it is, why it hurts everyone, and what we can do about it. Friends, do you realize that you have the ability to create a world where someone like me, who lives with mental illness, can expect the same level of support and care as someone who has a physical illness? Maybe you can’t change the attitudes of everyone in the country, but you can choose how YOU act. You can be that caring and nonjudgmental friend someone needs. You can speak up and say, “We shouldn’t be ashamed to talk about this.” I’m doing it. Will you do the same?

The handout I created and passed out to each audience member as my visual aid.

I got an A on that speech, but what meant much more to me were the handwritten comments I received in the anonymous peer assessments we filled out after each speech.

  • Thank you, Meiyi. I [will] continue to do my part…Yes! as long as you want me, I’ll be your friend.
  • She made me think about considering their point of view because the way she put herself in the speech…
  • …thanks for making a stand…
  • I liked how you closed up with a personal story and encouraged everyone to help. It was a good combination of hooking everyones heart and helping them to want to help.
  • …I do have to say it makes me want to take a second look at her topic.
  • …It really hit close to heart because I’ve dealt with this issue…
  • I will change the way I refer to people with mental illness. (He is bipolar)

“Wow, that gave me the feels, brah!” Jay, one of the straight-out-of-high-school, backwards-cap-sporting, Arizona-iced-tea-guzzling students remarked, clapping me on the shoulder as I passed by. I smiled and thanked him, heart still pounding as I flirted with this unfamiliar, exhilirating spotlight. My classmates congratulated me on a job well done, and I began to feel the way I had when I’d finished my first semester of college—capable, brimming, rock-the-world empowered, like I could do anything. The cliche made the writer in me groan, but I was blossoming.

To this day, whenever I talk about mental illness I have to forcibly push through an automatic psychological resistance, a direct result of the stigma that thrives around these issues. But I’m just as determined to combat it. I have been called “disarmingly honest” by people who are surprised by how open I am about a topic others tend to hush up around. I propose a different take. Mental illness is not my fault; therefore, there’s no reason for it to be a source of shame or reflection on me as a person—so why shouldn’t I talk about it? Who am I helping by keeping my story and collective knowledge of these issues to myself like some guilty secret? No one benefits when we avoid talking about topics commonly considered “disgraceful”, “private matters”, or “taboo”, such as domestic violence, child abuse, sexual assault, and mental illness. In fact, not talking about these things guarantees that they’ll have even more devastating effects on our lives. I want people to understand that. In the meantime, I have to pave the way.

So, I talk.

Is it hard for me to do this? It does get easier the more I do it, but it still takes me a considerable amount of willpower and strength. Do I feel the societal judgment and shaming with each word I speak? You bet. Do I still do it? Yes, and I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon. I talk about the medication I’m on, chronic and acute symptoms I battle, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, flashbacks, and triggers. I talk about paralyzing depression, about my “adventures” in therapy, about past crises and coping skills. Often, once they get past their initial discomfort/surprise, people open up to me about their struggles with their own mental health, or offer their opinions on what I’ve shared. When this happens, I try to be a nonjudgmental and supportive listener. I like to think I’m getting better at this all the time.

As I wrap up today’s blog, I reiterate the last point of my speech, in which I attempted to enlist my classmates in my efforts to end the stigma that has accompanied mental illness for centuries. Now, I extend that same challenge to you. Will you speak up about mental illness, and other historically “forbidden” topics, in your professional and personal life? Will you take a stand against the miseducation and stereotypes, despite what other people may think or you perceive they’ll think?

Will you join Griffin Ambitions? Give now

Tell me:

  • What common myth/stereotype irks/infuriates you? (For me, the popular “default” image of someone with mental illness as a filthy, disheveled man or woman with violent tendencies, rambling incoherently as they wander the streets. Yes, some people with mental illness do fit this stereotype, but most of us appear “normal”, people at whom you wouldn’t glance twice.)
  • What aspect of mental health would you like to see addressed more publicly? (For me, I’d like to see more people talking about PTSD as a result of traumas other than combat. For instance, did you know that children in foster care suffer higher rates of PTSD than veterans?)

-JMG

10 Things your OCD will lead you to believe

Staff report—

While working on my obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) in therapy for a little over a year now, one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that OCD loves to lie. Through these sneaky lies, OCD pretends to be a helpful friend who wants to keep us safe. But really, it only manipulates us into doing more and more rituals. When stressed and struggling with an obsession, I’ve found it’s helpful to identify when OCD is trying to tell a lie. Then, I’m more likely to resist doing a ritual or to fight through the discomfort of an exposure.

—> Here are 10 common lies OCD tries to tell…and why you shouldn’t believe them!

1. I have to do rituals to feel safe or keep others safe.

While most people with OCD know their fears are irrational, sometimes in a stressful moment those fears can feel true. At times like this, I try to remember the relief and feelings of safety you feel after doing a compulsion will only be temporary. Doing rituals never makes me feel safe in the long run. Delaying a ritual and sitting with the anxiety is actually what gives me feelings of safety and control.

2. I have to do rituals if I want to feel less anxious.

Because of its cyclical nature, one of the main pitfalls of OCD is that it can grow quickly. Doing a ritual decreases anxiety, which feels really good in the moment, but the relief is only temporary. When the obsession pops up again, we have to do the ritual more and more for our anxiety to go away. With every ritual we do, we continue to learn that ritual equals less anxiety, even though it doesn’t work very well. Exposure and response prevention therapy (ERP) reteaches our brain that if we don’t do a ritual, eventually our anxiety will come down on its own. With every exposure we do, our anxiety comes down faster.

3. This anxiety will last forever.

This lie can feel especially true during an exposure or panic attack, but it’s not only false — it’s impossible. All anxiety will come down eventually. It might soon go back up again, then down, then up, etc., but it will come down. I pinky promise.

4. Just do the ritual one more time. It’s better than trying to resist.

This is one of the lies OCD tells me most often: “One more time!” It’s the same lie music directors and dance teachers always told us in practice, and it’s never true. Giving into the ritual only makes the obsession grow more, which means you’ll have to do the ritual even more times.

5. My thoughts make me dangerous.
Something my therapist told me this week is, “We can’t choose what thoughts we have, but we can choose what we do.” What many people don’t realize is everyone has weird, intrusive thoughts. While most people shrug them off and go about their day, the difference is people with OCD tend to overreact to these thoughts. We feel responsible for our weird thoughts and feel like dangerous people. Because of this, we obsess about the thoughts and engage in rituals to reduce our anxiety, which accidentally makes the thoughts come more often. This lie is simply not true; thoughts are just thoughts.

6. I shouldn’t tell people about my thoughts.

When my OCD tells me my thoughts are dangerous, it also tells me to keep them a secret. We don’t want people to know all the weird thoughts we have. This only makes the thoughts stronger; we fall deeper into the obsession. It also makes it harder to get help. It’s like saying “Voldemort” — you can take some of the power away just by saying it out loud.

7. I should be able to control my thoughts.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could try really hard and just stop having intrusive thoughts? Yes, that would be nice, but I’m sorry to say that’s not the reality. Go ahead and try, I’ll wait. Tired yet? As nice as it would be to have control over our thoughts, I repeat, “We cannot choose what thoughts we have, but we can choose how we react to them.” The more we react to the thought and try to stop thinking about it, the more we think about it. The less we react to a thought and treat it as just a thought, the sooner it passes.

A common way to demonstrate this phenomenon is the pink elephant experiment. Try it yourself here!

8. There is a high probability that something bad will happen.

This is a common lie all anxiety disorders try to tell, but one I’ve tried especially hard to fight back against and test out many times. What I’ve found is usually, it’s not as bad as I expect it to be, or the bad thing doesn’t even happen at all. Quite often when I do an exposure, the anticipatory anxiety is worse than the anxiety I feel when I’m actually doing the exposure. Our brains really like to keep us safe, which means our brains really like to tell us something bad will happen, even when most of the time it doesn’t happen.

9. If something bad does happen, then I won’t be able to cope.

What about when you take the risk or do an exposure, and the bad thing does happen? I also underestimate my ability to cope with something bad. We are far more capable of coping than we usually believe.

10. I need certainty.

OCD related fears come in all shapes and sizes, but one aspect that ties them all together is an intolerance of uncertainty. Whether you check a lock multiple times or reread a page over and over, the goal is to feel certain that the feared outcome won’t happen. The only way to feel free then is to embrace uncertainty. Instead of responding to a “What if?” by ritualizing and desperately trying to achieve certainty, it’s better to respond with “Maybe…” and work on accepting the uncertainty.

~Morgan

“Smiley” Depression

Staff Reports—

 

When many people think of depression, they often think of sadness — and not much else. This generalization can be harmful to people who experience depression, but may not “look” depressed. For some, depression may look like sadness or exhaustion. For others, depression might look like a smiling face, or a person who “has it all together” — something we think of as “smiling depression.”

It’s important to remember every person’s experience of depression needs to be taken seriously, no matter what it looks like on the outside.2 We wanted to know things only people with “smiling depression” understand, so we asked members of our mental health community to weigh in.

Here’s what they shared with us:

  1. “It’s easier to cheer people up but not myself. I can make them feel great when they’re going through the worst [times], but I cannot get myself happy, really happy. That happiness you see is just a way of not letting people [see] my problems.” — Sofia V.
  2. “I am so tired. So, so tired, all of the time. It doesn’t matter if I’m sitting and pouting or smiling and engaging. [It doesn’t matter if I’m] dancing, running, swimming, eating, brushing my teeth, by myself or in a room full of people or sleeping. I. Am. Exhausted.” — Rinna M.
“Other people don’t get it. What it’s like to feel so trapped and in darkness, because I appear ‘happy’ and strong — even though [it feels like] I’m slowly dying.”
— Nicole G.
  1. “[I] fake it because [I believe] no one wants to hear about [my] depression. [I] fake it because [I am] tired of hearing all the ‘expert’ advice insinuating that [I’m] just [not] trying hard enough.” — Lisa C.
  2. “[I] don’t always wear the mask for other people. Sometimes [I] wear it because [I] don’t want to believe [I] feel as miserable as [I do]. [For me], it isn’t always about making other people with [me feel] OK. Sometimes it’s wearing the mask so [I] don’t lose [my] job or so [I] can just get takeout without being asked what’s wrong.” — Melinda A.
  3. “I can still laugh and give a big belly laugh about things, but on the inside, I feel empty. It’s a weird feeling being happy as much as you can, but your mind won’t follow suit. [I] just feel empty and the happiness isn’t genuine. It’s fake but [I] can’t change that no matter how hard [I] try for it to be a real feeling. Depression drains everything out of me. It takes an enormous amount of strength to appear ‘normal,’ it exhausts me… [My] smile doesn’t reach [my] eyes.” — Rebecca R.
  4. “The problem lies in the fact that no one truly and honestly knows me. I feel like I’m alone every day — even when I’m surrounded by people.” — Jen W.
  5. “[I] constantly doubt whether [my] struggles are real. When [I] finally get the courage and strength to open up about [my] depression, [I] always hear, ‘But you don’t act like you have depression.’ It took me years to come to terms and believe my own struggles.” — Adrianna R.
  6. “Most days, I feel like I’m just barely surviving. Once I’m alone at the end of the day, all I have the energy for is crying. Crying because I’m just so exhausted with life and I’ll convince myself I can’t handle tomorrow and I need to call in sick. But when the next day actually comes, I’m too afraid to not show up. Eventually, after debating with myself for far longer than I should, I drag myself out of bed. The cycle [feels] never-ending. It’s like, if I choose one day to just stay in bed instead of getting up, it would be the most horrible thing in the world, so I eventually always get up, no matter how exhausted I am. It’s inevitable.” — Keira H.
  7. “I try to keep up appearances to protect my family because my depression upsets them. I’m not very outwardly emotional, so everything gets to me more than I show it. I can’t open up to them, because I just get told, ‘Change your thoughts,’ ‘You seem fine, why do you want to go to a therapist?’ It makes those times when I can’t control my emotions even worse. I feel alone, tired and lost.” — Jessica C.
  8. “Sometimes I really, like really want to show people how I’m really feeling, but I just physically cannot take the mask off. It’s like the walls just grow stronger the more I try to tear them down.” — Kira H.
  9. “[I thought] if I faked being happy enough, then maybe I could get a glimpse of what it’s like to be ‘normal.’ I always feel like such a burden on the people [who] love me. [I feel] I have no choice but to pretend.” — Bree N
  10. “The time I’m most encouraging to myself is when I’m telling myself, I can make them laugh so they never suspect anything! I’m funny, right?” — Shelby S
  11. “The physical pain as well as the emotional pain. It hurts to walk, get up, move, force [myself] to smile, try to look ‘normal,’ happy.” — Keara M.
  12. “[ I believe] we are the best actors in the world. Because if I have to explain depression one more time… it’s just easier to fake it until I get home.” — Lisa K.

 

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.